SONGS ABOUT FAMOUS PEOPLE
Part 1: Music
Me And Taylor Swift Are Pursued By Ed Sheeran For Unpaid Rent…..And He’s Got A Gun
Come on, come on
Taylor, Taylor
Put down your guitar
We’ve got about two minutes to get the hell out of here
I’ll get the bags, you start the car
Taylor, Taylor
We’ve both heard the stories
We know the kind of things he’s done
He’s in his Mercedes in the parking lot
And he’s got a gun
Come on, come on
Taylor, Taylor
Can’t you finish that song some other time?
I know that you really don’t like to be disturbed
But we’re about to be the victims of a very bad crime
Taylor, Taylor
It’s time for us to fly
Time for another midnight run
He’s wearing a balaclava and he’s heading this way
And he’s got a gun
We head for Cranningsdale, we should arrive by dawn
And there we lease a plot of land
I work the fields and every Wednesday
We run a market stand
Once in a while when the wind blows from the west
I catch the sound of your guitar
I turn and look towards our happy little home
And think of just how blessed we are
And every sunset I’m rewarded for my day
I head back home and I sit down to hear you play
And you sing for me
And you sing for me
Your sweetest songs
Come on, come on
Taylor, Taylor
I know you’re working on that tricky final verse
But we’re leaving right now down the fire escape
Or else we’re leaving in a hearse
Taylor, Taylor
He’ll show us no mercy
He’s like Attila the Hun
I can see him with his henchmen at the bottom of the stairs
And he’s got a gun
I Learned It All From Rick Beato
He’s got five million subscribers, his value goes way beyond this stat though
I’ve tried other YouTube music channels, they’re not where it’s at though
Perusing all the many different aspects of his site
Is like exploring all the rooms in some lavish French country chateau
And all I’ve learned, I learned it all from Rick Beato
If your music education has stalled and you feel you’ve hit a plateau
And if you’re looking for some guidance I think you’ll find him simpatico
He does song analysis and top 20 countdowns, guitar lessons and theory
His channel has all these rich ingredients
Like a decadent multi-layered fancy gateau
And all I’ve learned, I learned it all from Rick Beato
His brain contains such breadth of music knowledge
He’s a music wizard, a one-man music college
He’s a music legend like Bird and Hank and Satchmo
He’s Rick Beato
He’s an easy-going guy, don’t get him started on cicada-style hi-hat though
And don’t mention unjustified copyright strikes, no don’t do that bro
He does ear training and teaching scales
Old stories, production tips
He does interviews too
So it’s sometimes kinda like a chat show
And all I’ve learned, I learned it all from Rick Beato
Song For The Big Music Streaming Services
I hate you
More and more each day
A thousand curses be upon ya
I hate you more than Nancy hated Tonya
Or Bette hated Joan
Or Gladstone hated Disraeli
‘Cos you take my songs
But you don’t wanna pay me
I hope all your top bosses
Suffer catastrophic losses
I hope your whole board of directors
Has a date night at Phil Spector’s
I hope you get the plague
‘cos even Mother Theresa
Could watch you die in pain
And it would please her
Apple just wants to sell us a gadget
Youtube just wants to show us an ad
Spotify cares more about podcasts
None of them care about music
And that’s too bad
Apple just wants to sell us a gadget
Youtube just wants to show us an ad
Spotify cares more about podcasts
None of them care about music
And that’s too bad
You’re evil
I bet you pick the legs off spiders
I bet you’d steal a baby’s candy
You make Hitler look like Gandhi
May you burn in hell
For all eternity
As Mother Teresa
Looks on with glee
As Mother Teresa
Looks on with glee
SONGS ABOUT FAMOUS PEOPLE
Part 2: Sport
Raducanu Boogie
She’s the latest Brit sensation
Went beyond all expectation
She put tennis fans in raptures in all corners of the nation
She’s got lots of fans in China
Only goes to underline her
Big marketing appeal, brands are lining up to sign her
Listen to her talking and she’s guaranteed to charm you
She’s got it all, Emma Raducanu
Her career started strongly
Hit the circuit like a bomb she
Stole the show, not bad for a teenager from Bromley
Criticised by McEnroe
He claimed it never happened though
And then she won the US Open east of Manhattan so
It won’t be long before she’s winning on the grass too
She’s a champion, Emma Raducanu
Well, she shook the world the way she won her first Grand Slam
She pummelled her opponents like a battering ram
She went all the way without dropping a set
She took the trophy home without breaking a sweat
In the wide world of sport I’ve got to ask you
Have you ever seen the like of Emma Raducanu?
So keep your foot down to the pedal
More Slams, a gold medal
Trophies piling high to go along with those A-levels
Now you’ve got to deal with all the things that superstars do
Now that you’re a champ other players trying hard to
Knock you off your perch like Google did to Yahoo
Don’t let them get getcha, Emma Raducanu
Roger Federer Is Retiring
And now the time has come
To say goodbye to a special one
It’s the man
From Switzerland
Roger Federer
He’s quitting now he’s over forty
No-one ever thought he
Could last this long
But he proved them wrong
Roger Federer
He’s an icon like McEnroe and Connors
He should get a knighthood in the New Year’s Honours
His name will live on just like Fred Perry
He’s legendary
He transcends the sport like Venus and Serena
On and off the court, a cleanness of demeanour
Roger Federer
He plays the game poetically
So refined aesthetically
He’s a magician
A tennis technician
Roger Federer
Across the world crowds go wild
For his mesmerizing style
He’s a miracle man
With a racket in hand
Roger Federer
If he comes to the net or stays at the baseline
He can reset the laws of spacetime
He plays like a daredevil trying out new stunts
His shots give you goosebumps
His backhand has the beauty of a Botticelli
It takes the breath away when you watch it on telly
Roger Federer
In your heart and mine
He’s the Greatest Of All Time
If there was a vote
He’d be the GOAT
Roger Federer
It won’t be quite the same
When he’s not in the game
We’re gonna miss
Our favourite Swiss
Roger Federer
He always looks like he’s in the zone
His great grandad invented Toblerone
The sporting gods, they’re bound to be Fed fans
He likes to wear headbands
Watching him play you get an eerie sense
That you’re having a religious experience
Roger Federer
Watching him play you get an eerie sense
That you’re having a religious experience
Roger Federer
Hey Nonny Nonny, You’ve Got To Vote For Ronnie
For 30 years we’ve been amazed
At what he can do on the green baize
For instance, his five-minute 147
It’s something that no one will ever repeat
A freakish achievement, a miracle feat
Snooker fans thought they’d died and gone to heaven
Ronnie O’Sullivan is what we’re talking about
And if there’s anyone out there who’s still in doubt
He’s the greatest snooker player to ever pick up a cue
If he never wins Sports Personality it would be a travesty
And on that note we’ve got a little tune for you
Hey nonny nonny, you’ve got to vote for Ronnie
The greatest player to ever pick up a cue
Hey nonny nonny, you’ve got to vote for Ronnie
He’s the personality for you
Every year he lights up the Crucible
With a style uniquely beautiful
He’s an artist like Renoir or Mattise
His canvas is the snooker table
He charms you like a young Clark Gable
Cue in hand he paints his masterpiece
But the day’s gonna come when he calls it quits
Snooker fans are gonna be in bits
While Ronnie will be off playing golf or Donkey Kong
Let’s hope that day doesn’t come around soon
Give us ten more years, we’ll be over the moon
‘Cos we’re sure gonna miss him when Ronnie’s gone
Hey nonny nonny, you’ve got to vote for Ronnie
The greatest player to ever pick up a cue
Hey nonny nonny, you’ve got to vote for Ronnie
He’s the personality for you
The pace that he can pot it, no one else has got it
The poor referees all struggle to respot it
He doesn’t hang around, he’s like a prized greyhound
Blink and you’ll miss him ‘cos he’s at the speed of sound
He can spin it, stun it, screw it
I don’t know how he can do it
But if there’s a pot that’s pottable then he’s the man to cue it
So when it comes to voting
If you find your floating
Forget Tom, Dick and Johnny
You’ve got to vote for Ronnie
Hey nonny nonny, you’ve got to vote for Ronnie
The greatest player to ever pick up a cue
Hey nonny nonny, you’ve got to vote for Ronnie
He’s the personality for you
He’s the personality for you
SONGS ABOUT FAMOUS PEOPLE
Part 3: British Icons
And Then In Walked Peter Stringfellow
They wanted peace in Northern Ireland
After 30 years of civil war
Everybody stayed up late
To negotiate
It was very tense
Then a man dressed in leopard skin breached the security fence
He walked right in with some Dom Perignon
He walked right in, he said, “Troubles be gone”
He walked right in
He just walked right in
Spassky played knight g4
Fischer played king b5
The game was too close to call
The audience were enthralled
It was exciting stuff
But one spectator decided he’d seen enough
He walked right in
He didn’t hesitate
He just walked right in
He said, “Porn king mate”
He walked right in
He just walked right in
He walked right in
He just walked right in
Wherever he showed up the party got started
A permanent smile, he was never downhearted
The atmosphere dimmed every time he departed
But when he walked in
With the hair and the tan and the animal outfit
His signature style, he was never without it
He lived for the night life, no doubt about it
When he walked in
Jesus and the twelve disciples
Sat down at supper time
“My friends”, he said
“I’ve been thinking ahead
So I’ll cut to the chase”
But just as he spoke, at the window was a grinning face
He walked right in
He wasn’t on the list
He just walked right in
He said, “What have I missed?”
He walked right in
He just walked right in
Lorraine Kelly, Queen Of Daytime Telly
She was a girl from Glasgow and this is her story
Of how she rose to fame and glory
She became the British Oprah Winfrey
She became the queen of the sofa didn’t she
I’ll tell you ‘bout the queen of the sofa if you lean a little closer
There’s been some wonderful daytime queens
Over the years that have graced our screens
But there’s no doubt who’s wearing the crown
‘Cos daytime telly is her playground
Lorraine Kelly queen of daytime telly oh yeah
She’s the daytime queen on your TV screen oh yeah
Lorraine Kelly queen of daytime telly oh yeah
9 till 10, that’s Lorraine TV
You couldn’t shift her with a JCB
On British television she’s the great survivor
ITV would never P45 her
Lorraine is like Stonehenge, that’s my conclusion
‘Cos she’s become a great British institution
They’re both national treasures we all agree
And they’ve both been sitting there since 3000 BC
Lorraine Kelly queen of daytime telly oh yeah
She’s the daytime queen on your TV screen oh yeah
Lorraine Kelly queen of daytime telly oh yeah
If you wake up late you’ll be sorry you missed it
And there’s no longer Holly and Phillip
So you’ll spend the day going slowly insane
Wondering what you missed on Lorraine
Lorraine Kelly queen of daytime telly oh yeah
She’s the daytime queen on your TV screen oh yeah
Lorraine Kelly queen of daytime telly oh yeah
She’s the daytime queen on your TV screen oh yeah
Stephen Hawking Walking In Dorking
M25
Exit 9
The Leatherhead junction
A24
Going south
Through Westhumble and Mickelham
You’ll never guess what I saw
Stephen Hawking walking in Dorking
He said he’d been heading for a wedding in Reading
But he’d stopped prematurely, feeling poorly, just past Crawley
I said, “So you can walk, you can talk”
He went white as chalk
SONGS ABOUT FAMOUS PEOPLE
Part 4: Miscellaneous
Disgusting Pig
Torquemada
Disgusting pig
He got his kicks
From burning heretics
Disgusting pig
Disgusting pig
Disgusting pig
Disgusting pig
Vlad the Impaler
Disgusting pig
He liked to impale
It never got stale
Disgusting pig
Disgusting pig
Disgusting pig
Disgusting pig
Caligula
Disgusting pig
He had a lot of zest
For incest
Disgusting pig
Disgusting pig
Disgusting pig
Disgusting pig
Ivan the Terrible
Disgusting pig
He killed his son with a bat
You can’t do that
Disgusting pig
Disgusting pig
Disgusting pig
Disgusting pig
The Marquis de Sade
Disgusting pig
There is no quarrel
He was very immoral
Disgusting pig
Disgusting pig
Disgusting pig
Disgusting pig
Disgusting pig
Disgusting pig
Disgusting pig
Disgusting pig
The Dalai Lama
They’re not fans in Beijing
He wouldn’t be their plaything
So their goons pile wrath on
The man in maroon and saffron
But like Mandela and Gandhi
Their fellow world grandee
Is deaf to the drama
Just doing his dharma
The Dalai Lama
He’s the world’s biggest Buddhist
Some say he’s the goodest
And for many a Tibetan
There’ll be no forgettin’
His Nobel prize for peace
It sure did tell the Chinese
The low-born son of a farmer
With exceptional karma
He’s a spiritual charmer
He’s the Dalai Lama
Musk Zuckerberg Cage Fight Shoobeedoowah
He’s top man at Tesla, he does space travel too
He’s a social media mogul, he’s got plenty to do
He’s got more sides to him than a dodecahedron
A whole flock of fanboys will be favouring Elon
And in the other corner is the Facebook chief
He’s a lover not a fighter, but he’s got a beef
You might be just the person to support Zuckerberg
If you find yourself feeling awestruck by nerds
There’s gonna be a fight ‘cos it just feels right
It’s gonna set the world of entertainment alight
Tech titans on the stage toe to toe in a cage
We’ve reached the high point of the entertainment age
It’s time to conclude the social media feud
It’s time to discover who’s the top tech dude
The showdown will have shown us who’s got the cojones
Who’s the big dog of the big tech owners
They’re both very rich, they’ve got more money than God
They’re both megalomaniacs, they’re both a bit odd
You know that you’ll be sitting there captivated
As one of these men gets incapacitated
It’s talk of the town in Silicon Valley
If you’re into tech and violence this is right up your alley
Get your tickets now ‘cos they’ll be sold out later
But don’t buy them online ‘cos they’ll steal your data
There’s gonna be a fight cos it just feels right
It’s gonna set the world of entertainment alight
Tech titans on the stage toe to toe in a cage
We’ve reached the high point of the entertainment age
It’s time to conclude the social media feud
It’s time to discover who’s the top tech dude
The showdown will have shown us who’s got the cojones
Who’s the big dog of the big tech owners